Serendipity

Sometimes in life we try to make things work just to watch them subside and perhaps fail. But if we let go of what we think ourselves and what we think our life should look like and let the universe guide us we will always find the way.

Open our hearts and minds to the endless opportunity of abundance, let go of ego and control and let the esoteric sphere enter our existen

ce with love and light and help us reach a higher level of consciousness existence.

Some of us choose to fit into the social structure of life and some of us choose the blur those lines. Fit in when we choose and break the confidments of social structure when we choose to.

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Harbouring hate 

There’s no point harbouring hate.  When someine does you wrong.  Especially someone you thought you could love and trust there is no point causing mpre drama or getting them to see your point of view the best thing you can do is send them love from a far and move on. Release the pain. Feel the pain, acknowledge it and let go and move on. Time goes by and our peace of mind and happiness is the most important thing. As our lives are so importsnt and it’s up to us to make the most of it. Remove the people who poison our brains with their toxic words.  Remove the people who are unsupportive… surround ourselves with the people who understand, supoortive, comfort and cherish us! Love the ones who love us back and if we get hurt and stung by love don’t let that bring us down because time and emotions are fluid and forever changing.  The ying and yang darkness and the light have their equal importance im our life. Embrace the weird, wild and wonderful human you are at your core and cherish those people who love you for it. Embrace your difference and distance yourself from those who harm and hurt you with love. Honour youself and let your light shine…

If someone has hurt you too many times and you’ve given them too many chances let them go and the universe will reward you with a new love and light to replace the darkness they left in your heart.  You are important. You  are loved and you deserve the best life has to offer. We live in a beautiful world full of miracles and wondrous creations and people. Live and love your life and it will love you right back. Stand your ground , step back into your power and no matter what know thst you deserve the best life has to offer !!! Xxx
Blessings 💓🦄🏖

Beyond the Vortex

There are many times I sat alone in darkness on my own metaphorically and physically with dark thoughts at dark times in dark hours of the morning. I used to despise and relish these moments at the same time, as I’d dive deep into my imagination and the inner depths of my being. Although looking back I spent too many hours on my own, although this did give me a greater sense of independence it also kept me isolated in a sense. As I believed I was alone in what I was going through I didn’t know where, how or who to reach out to. My friends at the time didn’t understand because they had never experienced anything like this before so for me I was on my own dealing with the greatest obstacle I’ve ever faced on my own …(mental illness)

At the beginning I would pretend it didn’t happen, I guess that was part of the processing phase, I would not speak of what happened, I’d try not to think about it and I would completely try to shut it out as if it never occurred. I didn’t feel safe talking to anyone about it but eventually that phase passed onto the next one. I began to start talking to friends and family about what happened but no one knew the answers, most would react in strange and particular ways as in laughing at my
“hallucinations and paranoia” or avoid me. Some would try to reach out but I got to a stage in my early twenties where I could not go to events. I would not answer my phone or return messages and I let myself slip into a deep, dark cave of self- loathing depression. In hind-sight this was one of the most crucial phases in the healing process for me as getting to those dark depths was when and where I decided I didn’t want to feel like this ever again. I decided I didn’t want to live in the dark vortex I had created for myself. So I didn’t.

It all began with a choice, the choice not to want to live there, I didn’t find out until many years later but during this phase I taught myself Cognitive Behavioural therapy. Which essentially is the concept where we chose our own thoughts and don’t let the negative ones control our existence (this is very common). It’s a hard practise that takes everyday conciousness to achieve, a daily activity of deciding how we perceive each and every situation in our life and instead of letting fear and negativity dictate, to chose the power over or thoughts and our existence. It’s been a long and tedious journey for me of many ups and downs and back and forth type of existence, it’s been a tremendous journey of self discovery and realisation. It took me years to accept what had happened to me and even longer to be at peace with it all. This is not something that I take or talk about lightly, I speak about my experiences in the hope to shed light in dark places for others because I have come to a place where I’m happy to share my story to others in the hopes of healing and disarming the taboos stigmas attached to mental illness.

My illness has effected my life and relationships with those around me more than I’d imagine, I’ve lost lovers and friends over my condition from misunderstandings which is probably the most heart wrenching part for me. I’ve even tried to write about my experiences with my illness a few years ago and couldn’t do it as each attempt bought me to tears, re-hatching and reminiscing about these past events was too much for me at that time. This is how I know I’ve grown and this just shows me how far I’ve come. As I always say and always will I’m writing these posts from the point of view of a person who has suffered from the taboos of mental illness for over a decade. I write these posts in hope to connect with and share my story for those who can relate and for those who can’t relate to understand.

Peace and Love xo

Stepping backwards moving forward. (language warning )

Sometimes what seems like a step backwards can actually be a step forward in the right direction. Life can seem uncanny and may lead us to places we never expected. What at the time seemed like a massive step backward has actually been a huge leap for me in new direction I never realised before, what seems like a set back “is just like a cha cha dance” which can lead you in a new direction, spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally.

Moving back into my parents house at my age after having my own house initially felt like a step backwards, but over time I’ve come to realise living here I have gained so much more in other areas of my life. I have rekindled old friendships and most importantly I’ve realise how far I have come and grown, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. I am not the person I was once, but I am still the same, I have learned to access parts of myself of who I’ve always wanted to be, or who I have always been which has been inside me all the time.

The other day a person I know was laughing when they asked me if I remembered the time I went missing ? (because of my mental illness/psychosis )…. I laughed right back at them and said of course I do it was a very traumatic experience in my life that has taken me years to accept and overcome. I continued on to say that unfortunately certain people won’t seem to let me live that down, even though it occurred over 10 years ago.

I’ve spoken to my loved ones and those close to me about this incident and why “certain people’ feel the urge to bring up things from the past that are embarrassing, sad or traumatic and laugh as if it was humorous. We concluded that “these people” don’t understand me or my illness or the struggles I deal with sometimes on a daily basis. This conversation did upset me, it bought back memories I’ve been coming to terms with and forgetting for a long period of time. But we realised that the basis was these people are ignorant and don’t understand the impact of their words.

One of my closest friends had a car accident several years ago and suffers physically on a daily basis, there a certain things she can not do physically and other things she chooses not to do because of the impact it will have on her body. She is in constant pain. I said to her “hunny … how would you feel if I said to you, remember that time you had a car accident ….in a laughing manner” . She totally got it and she always will this is part of the reason we are best friends. She understands the analogy I’m trying to get through to people more than others.

The problem with most people and mental illness is the taboos and judgements that have been put on people like me for generations. 12 years after the first traumatic episode I experienced with psychosis at the young age of 19 I still have some people I know using it as a joke towards me. This is not the first incident but it should be the last. I’ve been at parties where someone has announced the same thing in a group conversation “remember the time you went missing” (laughing and waiting to make a fool out of me in front of a group of people at a party, some of whom I had just met. No wonder people take their own lives, these people made me feel less than, embarrassed for something I had no control over. Yes I have a fucking mental illness and NO it’s not a fucking joke and neither am I. I’m also an intelligent human who has successfully completed a university degree and achieved other great accomplishments in my life. Yes I have hard days, bad days but I’ve learned how to deal with them, yes I’ve fucking suffered from anxiety, depression and panic attacks, plus all the shame and stigma attached to having a fucking mental illness and you know what I’m still fucking alive!!!!

I’ve been dealing with this shit since I was 19 and NO actually it doesn’t help me to be reminded of the first incident that I had psychosis when I was 19. what this instance did teach me is how far I have come mentally, emotionally and spiritually. As there was definitely times where I would of reacted differently. There would have been times where I would have got angry or upset, possibly sent into a panic attack and this is the reason I suffered from social anxiety for years. From ignorant people like this who would see my illness as a joke.

It is not a joke and it is no laughing matter. I am fine!!! I’ve dealt with this for a long time so I have learned some great coping mechanisms but what I’m not happy with is that people will still judge, mock and criticise me for having a fucking mental illness … this is out of my control. I did not chose this. I don’t know why it happens to me but it’s something that has taken me a long time to accept, overcome and deal with.

This is MY story !! This is MY LIFE !!! I have come a long way from the frightened young girl that was admitted into hospital as a teenager and I will not let anyway take that progress away from me !. I have come too far and been through way too much to let anyone get the better of me ! I’ve had some friends take their own lives and it’s not something I want to do. Yes, but like I said I deal, I find ways to cope and deal each moment at a time. But as I move on from each phase I always look back and see what I have learned and I enjoy sharing these things with other people.

People with metal illness should NEVER be made to feel ashamed of who they are, we all deserve love just as much as anyone else if not more.

Open your eyes, hearts and minds people and stop being so careless with your judgements and words, have some respect for those who have gone through hardships and have some compassion for those things you may not understand!!!!

would you laugh at someone who had a car accident? NO I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t so to all those people out there that laugh and think mental illness and psychosis is a joke have a good hard look at yourself and think about your actions and words because you never know how they may effect somebody. You would never know by looking at me so don’t judge !

The end is not the end

Not only have I experienced hard times mentally but emotionally my life has had many challenges. I lost my best friend at the age of 21 when she passed away in a freak accident. I’ve always had people come and go throughout my life due to my condition. I’ve dated a couple of guys that have left me because of my illness or laughed in my face when I explained what I go through.

My life has been far from easy but I choose not to give up. Mental challenges are real on all fronts and can seriously impact on our lives more than we can imagine. It’s taken me a good ten years to work through everything that happened to me and come to a place of peace. At the start when i was 19 I felt like my mind had completely shut down. I was getting strange sudders through my body and found it very hard to connect with people on any level. I feel like I’ve had a lot to learn in this life and have already learned so much on so many different levels.

People can be very judgmental to those like me and shun us off like we are nothing. But I can assure you as black and white as this text is I would not ever let the opinion of another govern my life. I think that is one of the best things I’ve learned since facing the majority of my mental challenges alone. As much as I enjoy the company of other people in my life I’m quite happy to spend time on my own. I in fact cherish it as it gives me time to reflect on everything.

Breakdowns / breakthroughs…. I’ve had many that is life for me. What I’ve also learned is the dark times will always pass. Whether it’s depression, anxiety, pyshcosis or what not. They will not stick around and some form of normality, peace and love will always return to fill the void and the scars the darkness left on us.

It all started with a choice for me not to give up. I was merely a teenager and when everyone else was doing what ” normal” teenagers do I was battling with my mental demons.  My mind was dark and hazy and even leaving the house sometimeswas a challenge. For a long time those close to me would blameme for what had happened and where I’d ended up but over time we realised this wasn’t the case.

My darkest times were definitely around the first incident. All I could see was darkness, negativity and judgment anywhere I went. But the moment it all changed was the moment I decided I didn’t want to live like that anymore. It was a case of reprogramming my own mind and thought pattetns. WheneverI would think something negative I would stop myself and change it to something else. It took me a long time but eventually it became my nature to be an optimist about every situation in life, not that this gave me all the answers but it helped me obtain the tools to overcome situations mentally.

As corny as it sounds it all began with the idea and thought that I can. I decided not to be the person to play the victim. I chose not to let my illness rule my life. I chose not to let what other people thought of me bother me or change who I am. I chose to put myself and my needs first and that’s when so many areas in my life began to heal.

If anyone out there is going through anything similar please do not give up. Life is difficult and challenging at times but the best is yet to come.

With Love and Light, 
The Ghetto Mermaid xo

State of Psychosis

By the time I was 23 I had been hospitalised for my condition three times, all two years apart around the same time of year- in between June and August. I don’t know why this time of year triggers me but it always seems to have, it is winter here and I don’t know if it has to do with the cold temperatures on not but each time I’ve been to hospital it has been around the same time of year, so you can imagine how absurd but real the fear is each year when winter comes around. Although I am now 31 and apart from my recent relapse last year I did go 7 years without any form of hospitalisation for my condition. That was a huge achievement for me !

Living with such things as mental illness are so hard to describe or explain to people who have never experienced it themselves or who have no idea what truly happens, I know and have heard some of the stigmas surrounding these areas of mental health and think it’s actually disgusting how some people respond to other situations and conditions of their mind. It’s not like we have a choice in the matter and if we did, we definitely would not choose this path. It’s such a hard road for many years which I walked alone. I didn’t think anyone in the world existed that had been through the same thing as me until many years after my first submission, because one thing most people probably don’t understand about mental illness is that although some people may be diagnosed with the same thing our symptoms, reactions, triggers, mind-set, attitudes, delusions are completely different. When I would try to explain to people what had happened to me most would laugh in my face because it seemed so out there and absurd. There were times in my 20’s that I couldn’t work or go to social gatherings because of the fear of being judged and criticised by everyone there..(hence the ongoing social anxiety I dealt with for years after). The thing I think people couldn’t understand most was that I “appeared” to be “well”. They would tell me things like “you don’t need medication” and “there isn’t anything even wrong with you”… hahahaha I laugh at this because these people were blind to the fact that psychosis is not something that can be seen all the time and just because I was having a “good day” doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. They were ignorant and but eventually saw the effects of my condition first hand.

Recently I was asked to be part of a Q & A for Beyond Blue where I was asked questions about depression, anxiety and mental illness. In one answer I compared having a mental illness to having a broken arm, something I have witnessed first hand, (I’m so proud that my statement has reached much further than I expected and hopefully in time will help shift the stigma). My statement was that people will rush over to sign your cast if you have a broken arm but avoid you if you have been diagnosed with some type of mental illness! How is this any different. We are both sick and need support, love, nurturing and care to get back to a healthy state of existence. Just like the broken arm in a cast, those of us with mental illness can’t fix ourselves properly without the right support.

Things are definitely moving forward in these areas compared to many years ago where people with my condition where left in dark rooms on their own, left to bleed out in baths, electroshock therapy and not to mention lobotomies. Therefore I guess those of us diagnosed with such conditions are lucky these days compared to the people of many moons ago, but there still needs to make a change, we need to stop rejecting and start accepting those who are different, who need different types of help and support in different ways. We need to stop laughing at people with psychosis, stop telling people with depression to just “be happy” and stop getting frustrated with people who have anxiety and stop telling them to just “get over it”. I have suffered all these conditions at some stage in my life and I can you you they don’t last forever, they come and go in phases and I believe that we can overcome anything we put our minds to. I know myself I’ve already come so far on this journey and I’ve been through many challenging times. But I’m not weak. In fact I’m strong, very capable and lovable and so is everybody else out there.

Big Love,

The Ghetto Mermaid xo

Panic at the disco!

So after my first experience of be hospitalised for my condition it took me a long time to get back onto my feet again and accept what had happened to me, years in fact. But eventually there came a time where I was at peace with myself and my condition. The struggle has been real and I have faced some very difficult times and situations due to my condition. The first hurdle that I had to face was coming to terms with the fact that people in my community thought I was “crazy” and the taboos attached to being hospitalised for having a mental condition. It put so much strain on my relationships that I lost many friendships in my early twenties and like the saying goes, it did really show me who my good friends are and for that I am forever grateful.

We all get faced with difficult situations in our lives but we can’t let them dictate who we are, only we can chose how we deserve to be treated and only we can chose how we perceive ourselves. This is what I’ve learned from having many set backs and struggles in my life. In no way do I see myself as a victim but maybe a mental and emotional warrior. My story is a sad story at times but it is also a story of inner strength, compassion, love and determination.

Being in public was and still is hard for me as I often become flooded with huge amounts of anxiety, and paranoia about what other people are thinking of me, I’d often suffer from social anxiety which in itself for me was a fear of being judged. After the third time of hospitalisation I began to have major panic attacks. I remember the first panic attack I ever had like it was yesterday. It was so vivid and so horrible and I had no idea what was happening to me.

I was out at a local bar with a couple of my friends when all of a sudden EVERYTHING became too overwhelming, the room seemed to become hotter, the music and background noise became louder and invasive, all the colours in the room seemed to be so overwhelming and bright that I couldn’t focus on anything. My breathing began to slow down as my throat seemed to tighten, I had random thoughts racing through my mind and my clothes began to feel so constrictive. I had to leave in that instant so I did, I told my friends I had to leave and I almost ran out of the place, getting to the car taking off my shoes, belt and anything that felt too constrictive on the way.

These kind of attacks happened at least once a month for about three and a half years until I learned to overcome these demons. My doctor thought I was having anxiety and prescribed but it wasn’t until years later when I overcame these panic attacks and learned the difference between panic attacks and anxiety did I realise I’d been having them for years straight. Each time they would get that bad to the point where I would pass out. On the up side I’d always wake u feeling ok but those moments before felt like absolute torture. Fortunately though with the help of low doses of medication and lots of personal work on myself I taught myself to overcome my panic attacks. I still do get mild forms of anxiety form time to time but luckily enough I no longer suffer from full blown panic attacks.

Anyone who has experienced these or still does I feel your pain. There was a time where I could even hear someone talk about anxiety of panic attacks without going into “panic mode”. There was no real rhyme or reason to my attacks as they would happen whether I was out in public or sometimes just in the company of close friends and family. My friends would often get frustrated at me as they didn’t undertaking what was happening and they would often just want me to be ok, as did I. But I would always have to leave the party or wherever I was to be on my own, lie down and eventually fall asleep. It was a very challenging time for me as I never knew when they would happen and it would often cause strain on my friendships and disrupt my life. I remember one New Years Eve I was out with my friends, had my hair done, make-up, new dress and everything but I was only out for about half an hour before I had to head home with a full blown panic attack under way. When this would happen I would want to talk to the people around me but that would be virtually impossible as my mind was racing that fast and my throat felt like it was closing over and I could not breathe properly, the attack would take completely over to the point where I’d have to leave no matter what.

Over the years though the panic attacks became less frequent and slowly turned into anxiety. Which I still get from time to time but nowhere near as badly as it was in those first few years. My point is no matter what anyone tells us, we are power beings our minds have very strong and power capabilities to over come anything, everything heals overtime, even our minds. At one stage my doctor had me believing that I would have panic attacks for the rest of my life, but that is definitely not the case. I haven’t experienced an attack for years and we can teach ourselves to overcome anything. It all starts with the choice and the belief that we can.

6 years ago there would be no way I could even write or talk about this kind of stuff, but look how far I’ve come, to anyone that is going through anything similar please do not give up, you are not alone, there are so many options out there to help us heal as long as we are open. Our minds are incredibly powerful objects and if we use that to our advantage we can overcome anything.

Please feel free to comment or ask any questions

Love and Light,
The Ghetto Mermaid xo