Beyond the Vortex

There are many times I sat alone in darkness on my own metaphorically and physically with dark thoughts at dark times in dark hours of the morning. I used to despise and relish these moments at the same time, as I’d dive deep into my imagination and the inner depths of my being. Although looking back I spent too many hours on my own, although this did give me a greater sense of independence it also kept me isolated in a sense. As I believed I was alone in what I was going through I didn’t know where, how or who to reach out to. My friends at the time didn’t understand because they had never experienced anything like this before so for me I was on my own dealing with the greatest obstacle I’ve ever faced on my own …(mental illness)

At the beginning I would pretend it didn’t happen, I guess that was part of the processing phase, I would not speak of what happened, I’d try not to think about it and I would completely try to shut it out as if it never occurred. I didn’t feel safe talking to anyone about it but eventually that phase passed onto the next one. I began to start talking to friends and family about what happened but no one knew the answers, most would react in strange and particular ways as in laughing at my
“hallucinations and paranoia” or avoid me. Some would try to reach out but I got to a stage in my early twenties where I could not go to events. I would not answer my phone or return messages and I let myself slip into a deep, dark cave of self- loathing depression. In hind-sight this was one of the most crucial phases in the healing process for me as getting to those dark depths was when and where I decided I didn’t want to feel like this ever again. I decided I didn’t want to live in the dark vortex I had created for myself. So I didn’t.

It all began with a choice, the choice not to want to live there, I didn’t find out until many years later but during this phase I taught myself Cognitive Behavioural therapy. Which essentially is the concept where we chose our own thoughts and don’t let the negative ones control our existence (this is very common). It’s a hard practise that takes everyday conciousness to achieve, a daily activity of deciding how we perceive each and every situation in our life and instead of letting fear and negativity dictate, to chose the power over or thoughts and our existence. It’s been a long and tedious journey for me of many ups and downs and back and forth type of existence, it’s been a tremendous journey of self discovery and realisation. It took me years to accept what had happened to me and even longer to be at peace with it all. This is not something that I take or talk about lightly, I speak about my experiences in the hope to shed light in dark places for others because I have come to a place where I’m happy to share my story to others in the hopes of healing and disarming the taboos stigmas attached to mental illness.

My illness has effected my life and relationships with those around me more than I’d imagine, I’ve lost lovers and friends over my condition from misunderstandings which is probably the most heart wrenching part for me. I’ve even tried to write about my experiences with my illness a few years ago and couldn’t do it as each attempt bought me to tears, re-hatching and reminiscing about these past events was too much for me at that time. This is how I know I’ve grown and this just shows me how far I’ve come. As I always say and always will I’m writing these posts from the point of view of a person who has suffered from the taboos of mental illness for over a decade. I write these posts in hope to connect with and share my story for those who can relate and for those who can’t relate to understand.

Peace and Love xo

Panic at the disco!

So after my first experience of be hospitalised for my condition it took me a long time to get back onto my feet again and accept what had happened to me, years in fact. But eventually there came a time where I was at peace with myself and my condition. The struggle has been real and I have faced some very difficult times and situations due to my condition. The first hurdle that I had to face was coming to terms with the fact that people in my community thought I was “crazy” and the taboos attached to being hospitalised for having a mental condition. It put so much strain on my relationships that I lost many friendships in my early twenties and like the saying goes, it did really show me who my good friends are and for that I am forever grateful.

We all get faced with difficult situations in our lives but we can’t let them dictate who we are, only we can chose how we deserve to be treated and only we can chose how we perceive ourselves. This is what I’ve learned from having many set backs and struggles in my life. In no way do I see myself as a victim but maybe a mental and emotional warrior. My story is a sad story at times but it is also a story of inner strength, compassion, love and determination.

Being in public was and still is hard for me as I often become flooded with huge amounts of anxiety, and paranoia about what other people are thinking of me, I’d often suffer from social anxiety which in itself for me was a fear of being judged. After the third time of hospitalisation I began to have major panic attacks. I remember the first panic attack I ever had like it was yesterday. It was so vivid and so horrible and I had no idea what was happening to me.

I was out at a local bar with a couple of my friends when all of a sudden EVERYTHING became too overwhelming, the room seemed to become hotter, the music and background noise became louder and invasive, all the colours in the room seemed to be so overwhelming and bright that I couldn’t focus on anything. My breathing began to slow down as my throat seemed to tighten, I had random thoughts racing through my mind and my clothes began to feel so constrictive. I had to leave in that instant so I did, I told my friends I had to leave and I almost ran out of the place, getting to the car taking off my shoes, belt and anything that felt too constrictive on the way.

These kind of attacks happened at least once a month for about three and a half years until I learned to overcome these demons. My doctor thought I was having anxiety and prescribed but it wasn’t until years later when I overcame these panic attacks and learned the difference between panic attacks and anxiety did I realise I’d been having them for years straight. Each time they would get that bad to the point where I would pass out. On the up side I’d always wake u feeling ok but those moments before felt like absolute torture. Fortunately though with the help of low doses of medication and lots of personal work on myself I taught myself to overcome my panic attacks. I still do get mild forms of anxiety form time to time but luckily enough I no longer suffer from full blown panic attacks.

Anyone who has experienced these or still does I feel your pain. There was a time where I could even hear someone talk about anxiety of panic attacks without going into “panic mode”. There was no real rhyme or reason to my attacks as they would happen whether I was out in public or sometimes just in the company of close friends and family. My friends would often get frustrated at me as they didn’t undertaking what was happening and they would often just want me to be ok, as did I. But I would always have to leave the party or wherever I was to be on my own, lie down and eventually fall asleep. It was a very challenging time for me as I never knew when they would happen and it would often cause strain on my friendships and disrupt my life. I remember one New Years Eve I was out with my friends, had my hair done, make-up, new dress and everything but I was only out for about half an hour before I had to head home with a full blown panic attack under way. When this would happen I would want to talk to the people around me but that would be virtually impossible as my mind was racing that fast and my throat felt like it was closing over and I could not breathe properly, the attack would take completely over to the point where I’d have to leave no matter what.

Over the years though the panic attacks became less frequent and slowly turned into anxiety. Which I still get from time to time but nowhere near as badly as it was in those first few years. My point is no matter what anyone tells us, we are power beings our minds have very strong and power capabilities to over come anything, everything heals overtime, even our minds. At one stage my doctor had me believing that I would have panic attacks for the rest of my life, but that is definitely not the case. I haven’t experienced an attack for years and we can teach ourselves to overcome anything. It all starts with the choice and the belief that we can.

6 years ago there would be no way I could even write or talk about this kind of stuff, but look how far I’ve come, to anyone that is going through anything similar please do not give up, you are not alone, there are so many options out there to help us heal as long as we are open. Our minds are incredibly powerful objects and if we use that to our advantage we can overcome anything.

Please feel free to comment or ask any questions

Love and Light,
The Ghetto Mermaid xo

Being an emotional warrior

Being an emotional warrior

In life it’s important to be and emotional warrior not an emotional worrier, to stay strong in a positive frame of mind sometimes can seem like a fight against ourselves, a battle within our own minds, a fight between the darkness and light, between ourselves. The battle could be a daily fight, it could take one step at a time but the important thing is that we try.

We try and fight to not let the worrier take over, but accept the worrier and let the warrior within us fight and lead us into the light. It can be a slow process that we face everyday but the warrior within us is urging us to try, to stand up and fight and not give up on the most important person in the world, which is ourselves. We need to accept the challenge of the darkness a negative frame of mind provides and say our internal warrior we will win the fight.

It’s so easy to get back into old patterns and negative frames of mind but acknowledging the darkness is the first step towards the light. I have been through stages in my life where I’ve been worried about money or how a situation would turn out and much worse but what I realised over time is that these type of thought patterns never helped the problem that was in front of me and most of the time there wsan’t really a problem at all. What I did learn is that no matter what we will always be provided for as long as we loss our fear and embrace hope and believe that everything will work out for the best. Because from my experience fear seems to perpetuate more fear. But by having the internal belief that everything will work out in one way or another leaves space for miracles to happen and leaves us open to new windows of opportunity or ways of support and solutions to our problems that we may have previously been blind to.

It’s up to us to open our eyes to the solutions in our lives, they may not come to us the way we expect or perceive them to but if we are open to all possibilities then our options are endless.

Battles with the mind

The world we live in seems to be so technology advanced but in other areas of our existence we are just beginning to scratch the surface. What about aspects of our human mind and the power in has over our entire lives and the world around us? The research and understanding to this is still limited at best. When I was younger none of these types of conversations or aspects were even talked about, the mind just seemed to be something that existed within us but the power of its purpose was never bought up or mentioned to me until years later when I went searching for answers. What I discovered was the interrelationship between our bodies, minds and the world around us. Focus on a black dot in a room full of colour and the black dot will seem to enlarge, focus on the colour in the room and the black dot will blend in with the rest of the coloured spectrum. What I’m referring to is the power of what we believe in and what we create for our own existence and what we focus on we create more of.

If we focus on fear, loss, pain and struggle then we will perpetuate those feelings and make more of what we don’t want. If we focus on battling those demons placed on us and fight the dark feelings that overcome us we will be able to create better worlds for ourselves and the word around us.
Being strong minded doesn’t mean we don’t have negative thoughts or feelings or that we only experience joyous feelings, being strong minded means we still have all those thoughts and emotions but we don’t let them control our lives, we acknowledge them for what they are and we choose to not let them dictate our existence but yet we overcome them.

It all starts with the decision and intention to change ourselves and our lives for the better,to avoid those negative pitfalls that we all have and embrace the power of believing in ourselves, it all starts with one step in the right direction.
xoxox

Heartbreak and Happiness

Nothing I ever truly lost, merely misplaced, whatever is lost will always be replaced, maybe not by the exact same thing entirely but in a different way in a different time in a different space.

Heartbreak is a difficult emotion to be faced with, because in some cases it feels like your whole heart and soul has been replaced and left with a endless void of empty space. The damage has been done but in the long run all wounds will heal and all pain will dissipate. The pain does not last forever, it may seem like an eternity when it occurs but what has seemed to be misplaced will return. Love will return and your heart and soul will be healed. All is not lost, as long as hope resides within you. It may be a slight glimmer, it may be a a shining light. But as long as hope exists be sure to see a flash of beaming light. You may no realise it at the time but when you look back down the track you will notice that the God and Universe always had your back!

Never lose hope and always remember what appears lost will always return, it may be in a different form, but the dark times will pass and remember happiness resides within you. xo