Beyond the Vortex

There are many times I sat alone in darkness on my own metaphorically and physically with dark thoughts at dark times in dark hours of the morning. I used to despise and relish these moments at the same time, as I’d dive deep into my imagination and the inner depths of my being. Although looking back I spent too many hours on my own, although this did give me a greater sense of independence it also kept me isolated in a sense. As I believed I was alone in what I was going through I didn’t know where, how or who to reach out to. My friends at the time didn’t understand because they had never experienced anything like this before so for me I was on my own dealing with the greatest obstacle I’ve ever faced on my own …(mental illness)

At the beginning I would pretend it didn’t happen, I guess that was part of the processing phase, I would not speak of what happened, I’d try not to think about it and I would completely try to shut it out as if it never occurred. I didn’t feel safe talking to anyone about it but eventually that phase passed onto the next one. I began to start talking to friends and family about what happened but no one knew the answers, most would react in strange and particular ways as in laughing at my
“hallucinations and paranoia” or avoid me. Some would try to reach out but I got to a stage in my early twenties where I could not go to events. I would not answer my phone or return messages and I let myself slip into a deep, dark cave of self- loathing depression. In hind-sight this was one of the most crucial phases in the healing process for me as getting to those dark depths was when and where I decided I didn’t want to feel like this ever again. I decided I didn’t want to live in the dark vortex I had created for myself. So I didn’t.

It all began with a choice, the choice not to want to live there, I didn’t find out until many years later but during this phase I taught myself Cognitive Behavioural therapy. Which essentially is the concept where we chose our own thoughts and don’t let the negative ones control our existence (this is very common). It’s a hard practise that takes everyday conciousness to achieve, a daily activity of deciding how we perceive each and every situation in our life and instead of letting fear and negativity dictate, to chose the power over or thoughts and our existence. It’s been a long and tedious journey for me of many ups and downs and back and forth type of existence, it’s been a tremendous journey of self discovery and realisation. It took me years to accept what had happened to me and even longer to be at peace with it all. This is not something that I take or talk about lightly, I speak about my experiences in the hope to shed light in dark places for others because I have come to a place where I’m happy to share my story to others in the hopes of healing and disarming the taboos stigmas attached to mental illness.

My illness has effected my life and relationships with those around me more than I’d imagine, I’ve lost lovers and friends over my condition from misunderstandings which is probably the most heart wrenching part for me. I’ve even tried to write about my experiences with my illness a few years ago and couldn’t do it as each attempt bought me to tears, re-hatching and reminiscing about these past events was too much for me at that time. This is how I know I’ve grown and this just shows me how far I’ve come. As I always say and always will I’m writing these posts from the point of view of a person who has suffered from the taboos of mental illness for over a decade. I write these posts in hope to connect with and share my story for those who can relate and for those who can’t relate to understand.

Peace and Love xo

Stepping backwards moving forward. (language warning )

Sometimes what seems like a step backwards can actually be a step forward in the right direction. Life can seem uncanny and may lead us to places we never expected. What at the time seemed like a massive step backward has actually been a huge leap for me in new direction I never realised before, what seems like a set back “is just like a cha cha dance” which can lead you in a new direction, spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally.

Moving back into my parents house at my age after having my own house initially felt like a step backwards, but over time I’ve come to realise living here I have gained so much more in other areas of my life. I have rekindled old friendships and most importantly I’ve realise how far I have come and grown, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. I am not the person I was once, but I am still the same, I have learned to access parts of myself of who I’ve always wanted to be, or who I have always been which has been inside me all the time.

The other day a person I know was laughing when they asked me if I remembered the time I went missing ? (because of my mental illness/psychosis )…. I laughed right back at them and said of course I do it was a very traumatic experience in my life that has taken me years to accept and overcome. I continued on to say that unfortunately certain people won’t seem to let me live that down, even though it occurred over 10 years ago.

I’ve spoken to my loved ones and those close to me about this incident and why “certain people’ feel the urge to bring up things from the past that are embarrassing, sad or traumatic and laugh as if it was humorous. We concluded that “these people” don’t understand me or my illness or the struggles I deal with sometimes on a daily basis. This conversation did upset me, it bought back memories I’ve been coming to terms with and forgetting for a long period of time. But we realised that the basis was these people are ignorant and don’t understand the impact of their words.

One of my closest friends had a car accident several years ago and suffers physically on a daily basis, there a certain things she can not do physically and other things she chooses not to do because of the impact it will have on her body. She is in constant pain. I said to her “hunny … how would you feel if I said to you, remember that time you had a car accident ….in a laughing manner” . She totally got it and she always will this is part of the reason we are best friends. She understands the analogy I’m trying to get through to people more than others.

The problem with most people and mental illness is the taboos and judgements that have been put on people like me for generations. 12 years after the first traumatic episode I experienced with psychosis at the young age of 19 I still have some people I know using it as a joke towards me. This is not the first incident but it should be the last. I’ve been at parties where someone has announced the same thing in a group conversation “remember the time you went missing” (laughing and waiting to make a fool out of me in front of a group of people at a party, some of whom I had just met. No wonder people take their own lives, these people made me feel less than, embarrassed for something I had no control over. Yes I have a fucking mental illness and NO it’s not a fucking joke and neither am I. I’m also an intelligent human who has successfully completed a university degree and achieved other great accomplishments in my life. Yes I have hard days, bad days but I’ve learned how to deal with them, yes I’ve fucking suffered from anxiety, depression and panic attacks, plus all the shame and stigma attached to having a fucking mental illness and you know what I’m still fucking alive!!!!

I’ve been dealing with this shit since I was 19 and NO actually it doesn’t help me to be reminded of the first incident that I had psychosis when I was 19. what this instance did teach me is how far I have come mentally, emotionally and spiritually. As there was definitely times where I would of reacted differently. There would have been times where I would have got angry or upset, possibly sent into a panic attack and this is the reason I suffered from social anxiety for years. From ignorant people like this who would see my illness as a joke.

It is not a joke and it is no laughing matter. I am fine!!! I’ve dealt with this for a long time so I have learned some great coping mechanisms but what I’m not happy with is that people will still judge, mock and criticise me for having a fucking mental illness … this is out of my control. I did not chose this. I don’t know why it happens to me but it’s something that has taken me a long time to accept, overcome and deal with.

This is MY story !! This is MY LIFE !!! I have come a long way from the frightened young girl that was admitted into hospital as a teenager and I will not let anyway take that progress away from me !. I have come too far and been through way too much to let anyone get the better of me ! I’ve had some friends take their own lives and it’s not something I want to do. Yes, but like I said I deal, I find ways to cope and deal each moment at a time. But as I move on from each phase I always look back and see what I have learned and I enjoy sharing these things with other people.

People with metal illness should NEVER be made to feel ashamed of who they are, we all deserve love just as much as anyone else if not more.

Open your eyes, hearts and minds people and stop being so careless with your judgements and words, have some respect for those who have gone through hardships and have some compassion for those things you may not understand!!!!

would you laugh at someone who had a car accident? NO I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t so to all those people out there that laugh and think mental illness and psychosis is a joke have a good hard look at yourself and think about your actions and words because you never know how they may effect somebody. You would never know by looking at me so don’t judge !