Beyond the Vortex

There are many times I sat alone in darkness on my own metaphorically and physically with dark thoughts at dark times in dark hours of the morning. I used to despise and relish these moments at the same time, as I’d dive deep into my imagination and the inner depths of my being. Although looking back I spent too many hours on my own, although this did give me a greater sense of independence it also kept me isolated in a sense. As I believed I was alone in what I was going through I didn’t know where, how or who to reach out to. My friends at the time didn’t understand because they had never experienced anything like this before so for me I was on my own dealing with the greatest obstacle I’ve ever faced on my own …(mental illness)

At the beginning I would pretend it didn’t happen, I guess that was part of the processing phase, I would not speak of what happened, I’d try not to think about it and I would completely try to shut it out as if it never occurred. I didn’t feel safe talking to anyone about it but eventually that phase passed onto the next one. I began to start talking to friends and family about what happened but no one knew the answers, most would react in strange and particular ways as in laughing at my
“hallucinations and paranoia” or avoid me. Some would try to reach out but I got to a stage in my early twenties where I could not go to events. I would not answer my phone or return messages and I let myself slip into a deep, dark cave of self- loathing depression. In hind-sight this was one of the most crucial phases in the healing process for me as getting to those dark depths was when and where I decided I didn’t want to feel like this ever again. I decided I didn’t want to live in the dark vortex I had created for myself. So I didn’t.

It all began with a choice, the choice not to want to live there, I didn’t find out until many years later but during this phase I taught myself Cognitive Behavioural therapy. Which essentially is the concept where we chose our own thoughts and don’t let the negative ones control our existence (this is very common). It’s a hard practise that takes everyday conciousness to achieve, a daily activity of deciding how we perceive each and every situation in our life and instead of letting fear and negativity dictate, to chose the power over or thoughts and our existence. It’s been a long and tedious journey for me of many ups and downs and back and forth type of existence, it’s been a tremendous journey of self discovery and realisation. It took me years to accept what had happened to me and even longer to be at peace with it all. This is not something that I take or talk about lightly, I speak about my experiences in the hope to shed light in dark places for others because I have come to a place where I’m happy to share my story to others in the hopes of healing and disarming the taboos stigmas attached to mental illness.

My illness has effected my life and relationships with those around me more than I’d imagine, I’ve lost lovers and friends over my condition from misunderstandings which is probably the most heart wrenching part for me. I’ve even tried to write about my experiences with my illness a few years ago and couldn’t do it as each attempt bought me to tears, re-hatching and reminiscing about these past events was too much for me at that time. This is how I know I’ve grown and this just shows me how far I’ve come. As I always say and always will I’m writing these posts from the point of view of a person who has suffered from the taboos of mental illness for over a decade. I write these posts in hope to connect with and share my story for those who can relate and for those who can’t relate to understand.

Peace and Love xo

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