Stepping backwards moving forward. (language warning )

Sometimes what seems like a step backwards can actually be a step forward in the right direction. Life can seem uncanny and may lead us to places we never expected. What at the time seemed like a massive step backward has actually been a huge leap for me in new direction I never realised before, what seems like a set back “is just like a cha cha dance” which can lead you in a new direction, spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally.

Moving back into my parents house at my age after having my own house initially felt like a step backwards, but over time I’ve come to realise living here I have gained so much more in other areas of my life. I have rekindled old friendships and most importantly I’ve realise how far I have come and grown, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. I am not the person I was once, but I am still the same, I have learned to access parts of myself of who I’ve always wanted to be, or who I have always been which has been inside me all the time.

The other day a person I know was laughing when they asked me if I remembered the time I went missing ? (because of my mental illness/psychosis )…. I laughed right back at them and said of course I do it was a very traumatic experience in my life that has taken me years to accept and overcome. I continued on to say that unfortunately certain people won’t seem to let me live that down, even though it occurred over 10 years ago.

I’ve spoken to my loved ones and those close to me about this incident and why “certain people’ feel the urge to bring up things from the past that are embarrassing, sad or traumatic and laugh as if it was humorous. We concluded that “these people” don’t understand me or my illness or the struggles I deal with sometimes on a daily basis. This conversation did upset me, it bought back memories I’ve been coming to terms with and forgetting for a long period of time. But we realised that the basis was these people are ignorant and don’t understand the impact of their words.

One of my closest friends had a car accident several years ago and suffers physically on a daily basis, there a certain things she can not do physically and other things she chooses not to do because of the impact it will have on her body. She is in constant pain. I said to her “hunny … how would you feel if I said to you, remember that time you had a car accident ….in a laughing manner” . She totally got it and she always will this is part of the reason we are best friends. She understands the analogy I’m trying to get through to people more than others.

The problem with most people and mental illness is the taboos and judgements that have been put on people like me for generations. 12 years after the first traumatic episode I experienced with psychosis at the young age of 19 I still have some people I know using it as a joke towards me. This is not the first incident but it should be the last. I’ve been at parties where someone has announced the same thing in a group conversation “remember the time you went missing” (laughing and waiting to make a fool out of me in front of a group of people at a party, some of whom I had just met. No wonder people take their own lives, these people made me feel less than, embarrassed for something I had no control over. Yes I have a fucking mental illness and NO it’s not a fucking joke and neither am I. I’m also an intelligent human who has successfully completed a university degree and achieved other great accomplishments in my life. Yes I have hard days, bad days but I’ve learned how to deal with them, yes I’ve fucking suffered from anxiety, depression and panic attacks, plus all the shame and stigma attached to having a fucking mental illness and you know what I’m still fucking alive!!!!

I’ve been dealing with this shit since I was 19 and NO actually it doesn’t help me to be reminded of the first incident that I had psychosis when I was 19. what this instance did teach me is how far I have come mentally, emotionally and spiritually. As there was definitely times where I would of reacted differently. There would have been times where I would have got angry or upset, possibly sent into a panic attack and this is the reason I suffered from social anxiety for years. From ignorant people like this who would see my illness as a joke.

It is not a joke and it is no laughing matter. I am fine!!! I’ve dealt with this for a long time so I have learned some great coping mechanisms but what I’m not happy with is that people will still judge, mock and criticise me for having a fucking mental illness … this is out of my control. I did not chose this. I don’t know why it happens to me but it’s something that has taken me a long time to accept, overcome and deal with.

This is MY story !! This is MY LIFE !!! I have come a long way from the frightened young girl that was admitted into hospital as a teenager and I will not let anyway take that progress away from me !. I have come too far and been through way too much to let anyone get the better of me ! I’ve had some friends take their own lives and it’s not something I want to do. Yes, but like I said I deal, I find ways to cope and deal each moment at a time. But as I move on from each phase I always look back and see what I have learned and I enjoy sharing these things with other people.

People with metal illness should NEVER be made to feel ashamed of who they are, we all deserve love just as much as anyone else if not more.

Open your eyes, hearts and minds people and stop being so careless with your judgements and words, have some respect for those who have gone through hardships and have some compassion for those things you may not understand!!!!

would you laugh at someone who had a car accident? NO I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t so to all those people out there that laugh and think mental illness and psychosis is a joke have a good hard look at yourself and think about your actions and words because you never know how they may effect somebody. You would never know by looking at me so don’t judge !


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