The end is not the end

Not only have I experienced hard times mentally but emotionally my life has had many challenges. I lost my best friend at the age of 21 when she passed away in a freak accident. I’ve always had people come and go throughout my life due to my condition. I’ve dated a couple of guys that have left me because of my illness or laughed in my face when I explained what I go through.

My life has been far from easy but I choose not to give up. Mental challenges are real on all fronts and can seriously impact on our lives more than we can imagine. It’s taken me a good ten years to work through everything that happened to me and come to a place of peace. At the start when i was 19 I felt like my mind had completely shut down. I was getting strange sudders through my body and found it very hard to connect with people on any level. I feel like I’ve had a lot to learn in this life and have already learned so much on so many different levels.

People can be very judgmental to those like me and shun us off like we are nothing. But I can assure you as black and white as this text is I would not ever let the opinion of another govern my life. I think that is one of the best things I’ve learned since facing the majority of my mental challenges alone. As much as I enjoy the company of other people in my life I’m quite happy to spend time on my own. I in fact cherish it as it gives me time to reflect on everything.

Breakdowns / breakthroughs…. I’ve had many that is life for me. What I’ve also learned is the dark times will always pass. Whether it’s depression, anxiety, pyshcosis or what not. They will not stick around and some form of normality, peace and love will always return to fill the void and the scars the darkness left on us.

It all started with a choice for me not to give up. I was merely a teenager and when everyone else was doing what ” normal” teenagers do I was battling with my mental demons.  My mind was dark and hazy and even leaving the house sometimeswas a challenge. For a long time those close to me would blameme for what had happened and where I’d ended up but over time we realised this wasn’t the case.

My darkest times were definitely around the first incident. All I could see was darkness, negativity and judgment anywhere I went. But the moment it all changed was the moment I decided I didn’t want to live like that anymore. It was a case of reprogramming my own mind and thought pattetns. WheneverI would think something negative I would stop myself and change it to something else. It took me a long time but eventually it became my nature to be an optimist about every situation in life, not that this gave me all the answers but it helped me obtain the tools to overcome situations mentally.

As corny as it sounds it all began with the idea and thought that I can. I decided not to be the person to play the victim. I chose not to let my illness rule my life. I chose not to let what other people thought of me bother me or change who I am. I chose to put myself and my needs first and that’s when so many areas in my life began to heal.

If anyone out there is going through anything similar please do not give up. Life is difficult and challenging at times but the best is yet to come.

With Love and Light, 
The Ghetto Mermaid xo


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